Is this disease making you sick?

I have always dreaded writing this post. You will get to know why in a lil while. Yes Im sick, like literally. I

have read so many blogs of sick people, patients...so called diaries of 'patients'. The disease varies, but the nature of the blog remains the same. Its the same undercurrent of pain, misery, also courage...that defines these pieces of writing. I will not say whats ailing me, but whatever it is, its damn serious. Its something I have been battling with for the last three years. Before that, I was a person with normal life. Friends, parties, an amazing job, holidaying, love life...you name it, I had it all. This is what makes it even more intolerable, the fact that I can never have all that ever again. Todays post is going to be about what I really miss, the pain that I am going through. Maybe, I will write about the 'being strong' and 'courageous' part some other time! Today is just not that day. So as I was saying, life can be so bloody unpredictable, how do you prepare for something so drastic, something so out of your control. There is no other way than to just gather your spirits somehow and keep moving forward. Of course, I am not alone. I have an amazing family who are by my side, rooting for me, helping me stay strong and coping with the disaster that my life seems to be all about. Sometimes the longing to be normal again is so bad that its like an unbearable physical ache. The helplessness is just too much to handle. I don't know what keeps me going in such times, when all I want to do is end it all. Is there any hope at all? Why do I keep hoping for a miracle. There are stories on the internet about miraculous healings, and when I read those, every core of my being wants to believe in it, hope it happens for me too! Heres one
STORY that is at the top of my miracle list. Why cant God help us all? Theres something about pain that connects all those who are going through some sickness or the other. Like I said earlier, the disease could be different, but the underlying misery is the same. We all know what it feels like to be on the other side. It suddenly feels as if the world has been divided into two halves, one is for the disease-free and the other for the diseased. Its as if wherever you go (be it a regular hospital visit, some gathering, public place, public transportation), people are either staring at you, or trying to not to stare, which too is so obvious. Its like life is in a limbo. You are neither fully normal, nor abnormal. You know that your mind, your spirit is still the same. You wanna sing, dance, climb mountains, stroll on beaches, party hard....and in your mind you are doing all of that. But in reality, you body just wont allow you to do it. You are either bedridden, or in a wheelchair or just too weak to do any of this. Its like being a prisoner in your own body. I would say, there should be no intermediary stage/s to disease. It should either get cured or just take a persons life quickly and quietly. That would save a lot of misery for the sick one, as well their loved ones. I know thats a morbid thought to end this post but I am sure, a person in my shoes would understand. Like I said earlier, today is just not the day to be courageous.