Forgive Me Mom!

I was a complete asshole today. Feels good to have at least admitted that. Heres hoping that mom will 

forgive me, but don't they always do that, even before you ask for forgiveness. Its so hard to understand moms. Have been in a lot of pain this entire week. Apart from the sickness that I am already going through for the past three years, there are so many other issues too that are part of the whole 'package'. And these issues are ALWAYS unpleasant. This time its acute inflammation under the skin in my right arm. For the past ten days, inspite of a regular dose of antibiotics, it doesnt seem to subside much. Anyway, that was the background story to my being an asshole today. I guess I was already at the end of my wits with all the frustration of meds, pain, etc etc. and just like that (as if I was waiting for some stupid excuse to explode) I started screaming at mom and lil sis for something really stupid. And mind you, screaming is a very small word for the high octane, out of control. mad woman-like shouting and screaming that ensued for at least ten minutes. They were both sitting in stunned silence, while I shouted at them, pushed them (physically) out of my room, then plopped on the bed and cried into my pillow for a good half an hour. I know I had no right to take out my frustration on them. They are the only people who genuinely care for me, love me, tolerate my insanity, my tantrums, still pray for me every single second. But I just got out of hand today, it was as though I had no control over myself. Things are much cooler now, we (read I) are all pacified, hugged each other and made up. But I can see the hurt in moms eyes, and I cant do anything about it. Its not happened for the first time, oh yes, I am a regular at this despicable behavior. Although I make a promise to myself every single time, but the depression and the frustration gets the better of me and bam! before I know, its happened again. I am sorry mom. One day I hope to get out of this rut and make up to you for all of this. Until then, please keep forgiving me. Your heart knows I love you..the most!

Is this disease making you sick?

I have always dreaded writing this post. You will get to know why in a lil while. Yes Im sick, like literally. I

have read so many blogs of sick people, patients...so called diaries of 'patients'. The disease varies, but the nature of the blog remains the same. Its the same undercurrent of pain, misery, also courage...that defines these pieces of writing. I will not say whats ailing me, but whatever it is, its damn serious. Its something I have been battling with for the last three years. Before that, I was a person with normal life. Friends, parties, an amazing job, holidaying, love life...you name it, I had it all. This is what makes it even more intolerable, the fact that I can never have all that ever again. Todays post is going to be about what I really miss, the pain that I am going through. Maybe, I will write about the 'being strong' and 'courageous' part some other time! Today is just not that day. So as I was saying, life can be so bloody unpredictable, how do you prepare for something so drastic, something so out of your control. There is no other way than to just gather your spirits somehow and keep moving forward. Of course, I am not alone. I have an amazing family who are by my side, rooting for me, helping me stay strong and coping with the disaster that my life seems to be all about. Sometimes the longing to be normal again is so bad that its like an unbearable physical ache. The helplessness is just too much to handle. I don't know what keeps me going in such times, when all I want to do is end it all. Is there any hope at all? Why do I keep hoping for a miracle. There are stories on the internet about miraculous healings, and when I read those, every core of my being wants to believe in it, hope it happens for me too! Heres one
STORY that is at the top of my miracle list. Why cant God help us all? Theres something about pain that connects all those who are going through some sickness or the other. Like I said earlier, the disease could be different, but the underlying misery is the same. We all know what it feels like to be on the other side. It suddenly feels as if the world has been divided into two halves, one is for the disease-free and the other for the diseased. Its as if wherever you go (be it a regular hospital visit, some gathering, public place, public transportation), people are either staring at you, or trying to not to stare, which too is so obvious. Its like life is in a limbo. You are neither fully normal, nor abnormal. You know that your mind, your spirit is still the same. You wanna sing, dance, climb mountains, stroll on beaches, party hard....and in your mind you are doing all of that. But in reality, you body just wont allow you to do it. You are either bedridden, or in a wheelchair or just too weak to do any of this. Its like being a prisoner in your own body. I would say, there should be no intermediary stage/s to disease. It should either get cured or just take a persons life quickly and quietly. That would save a lot of misery for the sick one, as well their loved ones. I know thats a morbid thought to end this post but I am sure, a person in my shoes would understand. Like I said earlier, today is just not the day to be courageous.

Life After Death & the Paranormal

Yes I know this is something the entire world debates about. But I am not here to prove anything. As far as

believing or not believing is concerned, I'd say I do believe in the afterworld, the paranormal, the world beyond, life after death. I have no personal experience to back up my belief but somehow I do. I think we don't actually die when we die. As they say, we just pass over to another dimension. Whether or not there are any bright lights, that we will come to know only when we die. So, until then, its just through your own freak experiences, other people's stories, etc. that we get to form an opinion on this subject. What appeals to me most is the idea of 'not actually dying'..you just start to exist in a different plane. Yes, maybe not in the physical body form that you have on earth, but maybe in an astral form. Like I've heard from other people who have miraculous stories to share, there seems to be no sense of time in the 'other' world. There's no past, present or future. It is all happening at once, just a single dimensional sense of time. You are supposedly present in so many places at once. Now, that would be something! How fascinating the thought of life even after death is! There's so much that the human mind still has no idea of. There's so much that we just cant explain. For example, something as simple as a premonition. How do you explain that? There are so many people who simply get an intuition, a feeling, or even dream about something that they could not have known about at all. And yes, this is something that even I have felt a few times. Something which happened in the future, and I had no way of knowing anything about it, but out of nowhere I get this dream where I kind of 'foresee' what was to happen...and happen it did!! I am sure so many of us have had amazing out of the world(pun intended) experiences. Lets share some of these if you are comfortable doing so. Its going to be interesting I am sure :)

The Strength of the Human Spirit

The strength within..the human spirit..the fighter instinct!! There are so many ways to describe the amazing courage and resolve that we humans are capable of showing.

Like they say, you get to know how strong you really are only when being strong is the only choice you are left with. Destiny tests us in so many ways, it could be a broken relationship, the passing over of a loved one, a chronic illness or even something as trivial as failing an exam. But these are the situations which test our true mettle. Life surely throws some very unpleasant surprises at times and these either break us or make us even stronger. I know its easier said than done, but believe me, life has thrown some pretty tough ones my way too. Sometimes the misery is too much to bear and all I want to do is throw in the towel and end it all at once. But somehow, a voice at the back of my mind asks me to push some more. I cannot be a coward. If this is how it all has to end, then I might as well go down fighting. From a person who used to wallow in self pity and cry at the drop of a hat, I have turned into someone who is giving a tough competition to destiny today...with all my might. Either I emerge victorious on the other side, or go down fighting. Thats what my spirit tells me, every-single-day. So, to everyone who is fighting a tough battle out there, I'll say keep up the fight, dont let the demons slay you, keep the flag soaring high. One day you will be rewarded for your courage...if not here, then in the next world for sure. Let Him test you as much as He wants, coz He is the Almighty and He alone knows why you are being put through these trying times. The body will wither, but the spirit will remain...and ultimately find peace when it merges with the Source. An incredible example of what we just read about...the amazing strength of the human spirit!

True Love Hurts...

How much sadness can a human heart handle? Well, I guess it depends on what makes you sad. Your sadness might mean nothing to me and vice versa. Why is our heart such a fragile thing? Why is it so hard to erase certain emotions, certain memories? Some of them are ages old...yet as new and as painful as fresh wounds. Does the heart never learn? Yes Im talking about the same old, same old. LOVE. Love...when you are lucky enough, it fills your life, your heart, every atom of your being with unbelievable happiness. But when you aren't that lucky..then it snatches away all that you ever had, and then some more. Time passes, yet seems to stand still. I feel I have come so far yet there are moments when it takes me by surprise. I have pushed away the memories in the farthest corner of my heart, yet it feels as if sometimes its right there in my face. In full force. The pain is so much that I don't even feel it. Its not even pain..its this indescribable feeling of everything coming together in the flash of a second. As if all the moments spent together, the good, the bad and the worst..all of it has somehow come together in one moment and my heart is feeling all those emotions at once. The love, the fights, the making up, the cheating, the betrayal, the heartbreak, the hurt, the hate, the love again...everything! What will become of me? Will I ever come out of this self imposed prison? Will I ever be free? Will I ever love again? I want to. I want to be free. I want to feel the same way again. I want to be able to love without having to justify it or force it. I don't want to remember you. I don't want to remember how I loved you and I don't want to remember what you did to me. I don't want to hate you. I don't want to 'anything' you. I was, I am .. a believer in the good that universe has to offer. I believe in true love. You never did. Then why should I suffer for your non-belief, for your cheating, for your betraying ways. I feel I deserve to be with the ONE for me. I believe ..I still believe I will one day have what's due to me. I hope and I wish there comes a day when even the memory of you vanishes and the slate becomes clean. Its ironic, isn't it..the one I couldn't imagine life without, is the one thing about life that I wish to forget..forever. I will begin again..I know I will.