Thursday, November 14, 2013

Forgive Me Mom!

I was a complete asshole today. Feels good to have at least admitted that. Heres hoping that mom will 
Forgive me mom
forgive me, but don't they always do that, even before you ask for forgiveness. Its so hard to understand moms. Have been in a lot of pain this entire week. Apart from the sickness that I am already going through for the past three years, there are so many other issues too that are part of the whole 'package'. And these issues are ALWAYS unpleasant. This time its acute inflammation under the skin in my right arm. For the past ten days, inspite of a regular dose of antibiotics, it doesnt seem to subside much. Anyway, that was the background story to my being an asshole today. I guess I was already at the end of my wits with all the frustration of meds, pain, etc etc. and just like that (as if I was waiting for some stupid excuse to explode) I started screaming at mom and lil sis for something really stupid. And mind you, screaming is a very small word for the high octane, out of control. mad woman-like shouting and screaming that ensued for at least ten minutes. They were both sitting in stunned silence, while I shouted at them, pushed them (physically) out of my room, then plopped on the bed and cried into my pillow for a good half an hour. I know I had no right to take out my frustration on them. They are the only people who genuinely care for me, love me, tolerate my insanity, my tantrums, still pray for me every single second. But I just got out of hand today, it was as though I had no control over myself. Things are much cooler now, we (read I) are all pacified, hugged each other and made up. But I can see the hurt in moms eyes, and I cant do anything about it. Its not happened for the first time, oh yes, I am a regular at this despicable behavior. Although I make a promise to myself every single time, but the depression and the frustration gets the better of me and bam! before I know, its happened again. I am sorry mom. One day I hope to get out of this rut and make up to you for all of this. Until then, please keep forgiving me. Your heart knows I love you..the most!

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Is this disease making you sick?

I have always dreaded writing this post. You will get to know why in a lil while. Yes Im sick, like literally. I
sickness and disease
have read so many blogs of sick people, called diaries of 'patients'. The disease varies, but the nature of the blog remains the same. Its the same undercurrent of pain, misery, also courage...that defines these pieces of writing. I will not say whats ailing me, but whatever it is, its damn serious. Its something I have been battling with for the last three years. Before that, I was a person with normal life. Friends, parties, an amazing job, holidaying, love name it, I had it all. This is what makes it even more intolerable, the fact that I can never have all that ever again. Todays post is going to be about what I really miss, the pain that I am going through. Maybe, I will write about the 'being strong' and 'courageous' part some other time! Today is just not that day. So as I was saying, life can be so bloody unpredictable, how do you prepare for something so drastic, something so out of your control. There is no other way than to just gather your spirits somehow and keep moving forward. Of course, I am not alone. I have an amazing family who are by my side, rooting for me, helping me stay strong and coping with the disaster that my life seems to be all about. Sometimes the longing to be normal again is so bad that its like an unbearable physical ache. The helplessness is just too much to handle. I don't know what keeps me going in such times, when all I want to do is end it all. Is there any hope at all? Why do I keep hoping for a miracle. There are stories on the internet about miraculous healings, and when I read those, every core of my being wants to believe in it, hope it happens for me too! Heres one
STORY that is at the top of my miracle list. Why cant God help us all? Theres something about pain that connects all those who are going through some sickness or the other. Like I said earlier, the disease could be different, but the underlying misery is the same. We all know what it feels like to be on the other side. It suddenly feels as if the world has been divided into two halves, one is for the disease-free and the other for the diseased. Its as if wherever you go (be it a regular hospital visit, some gathering, public place, public transportation), people are either staring at you, or trying to not to stare, which too is so obvious. Its like life is in a limbo. You are neither fully normal, nor abnormal. You know that your mind, your spirit is still the same. You wanna sing, dance, climb mountains, stroll on beaches, party hard....and in your mind you are doing all of that. But in reality, you body just wont allow you to do it. You are either bedridden, or in a wheelchair or just too weak to do any of this. Its like being a prisoner in your own body. I would say, there should be no intermediary stage/s to disease. It should either get cured or just take a persons life quickly and quietly. That would save a lot of misery for the sick one, as well their loved ones. I know thats a morbid thought to end this post but I am sure, a person in my shoes would understand. Like I said earlier, today is just not the day to be courageous.